Edward Brodkin and Ashley Pallathra – Missing Each Other: Book Review & Audio Summary

Book Info

• Book name: Missing Each Other: How to Cultivate Meaningful Connections
• Author: Edward Brodkin, Ashley Pallathra
• Genre: Self-Help & Personal Development, Science & Technology
• Published Year: 2020
• Publisher: PublicAffairs
• Language: English

Audio Summary

Synopsis

In our hyperconnected world filled with social media and constant digital communication, loneliness has become an epidemic. *Missing Each Other* offers a science-backed solution to this modern paradox. Drawing on neuroscience and psychology research, psychiatrist Edward Brodkin and psychologist Ashley Pallathra introduce the concept of attunement—the ability to sense and respond to others’ emotions—as the foundation of meaningful connection. Through four essential pillars—relaxed awareness, listening, understanding, and mutual responsiveness—the authors provide practical strategies to overcome barriers that keep us isolated and rebuild the deep, intimate relationships we desperately need in today’s fast-paced, distracted society.

Key Takeaways

• Attunement—the ability to sense and respond appropriately to others’ emotions—is the foundation of all meaningful human connection and can be developed through intentional practice
• Relaxed awareness, achieved through mindfulness and being present, is essential for creating the mental space needed to truly connect with others
• Modern technology and busy lifestyles create barriers to genuine connection, but understanding the neuroscience behind human bonding can help us overcome these obstacles
• The four pillars of connection—relaxed awareness, listening, understanding, and mutual responsiveness—provide a practical framework for building stronger relationships
• True connection requires both sensing your own emotional state and being receptive to the emotions of others, creating a synchronized emotional bond

My Summary

Why We’re More Connected Yet More Alone Than Ever

I’ll be honest—when I first picked up *Missing Each Other*, I was skeptical. Another book about connection in the digital age? Haven’t we heard this all before? But what drew me in immediately was the authors’ approach. Edward Brodkin, a psychiatrist at the University of Pennsylvania, and Ashley Pallathra, a psychologist, aren’t just offering feel-good advice. They’re grounding everything in actual neuroscience and psychology research, which immediately caught my attention.

The central paradox they explore is one we’ve all felt: We live in cities packed with people. We have hundreds of Facebook friends and Instagram followers. We video chat across continents. Yet somehow, loneliness has reached epidemic proportions. The authors argue that this isn’t just a coincidence—it’s a direct result of *how* we’re communicating, not how much.

What really resonated with me was their concept of attunement. It’s not a word we use much in everyday conversation, but once you understand it, you start seeing its absence everywhere. Attunement is that magical moment when two people are truly in sync—when you can sense what someone needs without them saying it, when a conversation flows effortlessly, when you feel genuinely seen and understood.

The Science Behind Human Connection

One of the strengths of this book is how Brodkin and Pallathra break down the biological and psychological mechanisms that make connection possible. They explain that humans evolved as deeply social creatures. Our survival depended on cooperation, which is why we developed such sophisticated abilities to read each other’s emotions and intentions.

From the moment we’re born, we’re wired to connect. Infants instinctively gaze at faces and reach toward smiles. As we grow, we refine these impulses into complex social skills. But here’s the problem: our modern environment often works against these natural tendencies.

The authors introduce the concept of the “social brain”—the network of neural structures that enable us to navigate relationships. When we’re attuned to someone, specific brain regions light up, including areas involved in empathy, emotional regulation, and understanding others’ perspectives. This isn’t just poetic language; it’s measurable brain activity.

What I found particularly fascinating is how stress and distraction literally change our brain’s ability to connect. When we’re anxious, overwhelmed, or multitasking, the parts of our brain responsible for social connection get suppressed. This explains why it’s so hard to have a meaningful conversation when you’re stressed about work or constantly checking your phone.

Understanding Attunement: More Than Just Empathy

The book’s central concept deserves a deeper look because it’s more nuanced than it first appears. Attunement isn’t simply empathy or emotional intelligence, though it encompasses both. It’s the dynamic, two-way process of sensing emotions and responding in a way that creates synchrony between people.

The authors use a beautiful example: imagine visiting a friend whose pet just died. Attunement means reading whether she needs you to sit quietly and hold space for her grief, or whether she’d prefer distraction through lighthearted conversation. There’s no one “right” response—attunement is about sensing what’s needed in that specific moment with that specific person.

This really hit home for me. I’ve definitely been in situations where I’ve misread what someone needed. I’ve tried to “fix” problems when someone just wanted to be heard. I’ve cracked jokes when someone needed me to take their pain seriously. These aren’t moral failures—they’re failures of attunement.

What makes attunement so powerful is that it creates a feedback loop. When you’re attuned to someone, they feel it. They relax, open up, and become more attuned to you in return. This mutual attunement is what creates those rare moments of genuine intimacy—whether in romantic relationships, friendships, or even brief encounters with strangers.

The authors distinguish between different types of attunement too. There’s the playful attunement of parents and children laughing together. The intellectual attunement of colleagues deeply engaged in solving a problem. The creative attunement of jazz musicians improvising in perfect sync. Each looks different on the surface, but all share that quality of emotional synchronization.

The First Pillar: Cultivating Relaxed Awareness

Before you can attune to anyone else, you need to attune to yourself. This is where the first pillar—relaxed awareness—comes in. It’s a state where you’re calm yet alert, present yet not tense. Think of it as the mental and physical foundation that makes connection possible.

The authors draw on the work of psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi and his concept of “flow.” When you’re in flow, you’re fully engaged but not stressed. Athletes experience this when they’re “in the zone”—hyperaware of everything happening around them but moving with effortless grace.

For most of us, achieving this state requires practice. The book strongly advocates for mindfulness meditation, which I’ll admit made me roll my eyes a bit at first. Meditation has become such a buzzword that it’s easy to dismiss. But the authors make a compelling case backed by research.

The practice they recommend is straightforward: sit comfortably, breathe deeply, and pay attention to your body. Notice tension and consciously relax those muscles. Don’t try to empty your mind—instead, observe your thoughts as they arise and let them pass without judgment.

What’s the point? With regular practice, you become more aware of how stress manifests in your body and mind. You learn to recognize the early signs—the tightness in your chest, the racing thoughts, the urge to check your phone. More importantly, you develop the ability to consciously shift out of that stressed state.

I’ve been experimenting with this myself since reading the book, and I’ve noticed a real difference. When I take even five minutes to center myself before a difficult conversation or important meeting, I’m much more present. I listen better. I pick up on subtle cues I would have missed.

Why Modern Life Makes Attunement So Difficult

One section of the book that really struck a chord with me was the discussion of modern barriers to connection. The authors don’t just blame technology—though they certainly discuss its role. They identify several interconnected factors that make attunement increasingly rare.

First, there’s the pace of modern life. We’re constantly rushing from one obligation to another. Our schedules are packed. We multitask compulsively. This frenetic energy is the opposite of relaxed awareness. When you’re always thinking three steps ahead, you can’t be fully present with the person in front of you.

Second, there’s the nature of digital communication. Social media and texting are designed for quick, superficial interactions. You can scroll through dozens of posts in minutes, “liking” and commenting without any real engagement. These interactions give us a hit of social connection without the depth that actually nourishes us.

The authors make an important distinction here: digital communication isn’t inherently bad. Video calls can facilitate real attunement if we approach them mindfully. The problem is that most digital interactions are fragmented and distracted. We’re texting while watching TV, scrolling Instagram while “listening” to our partner talk about their day.

Third, there’s what the authors call “self-focused attention.” In our individualistic culture, we’re encouraged to focus on our own goals, our own feelings, our own needs. While self-awareness is important, excessive self-focus makes it hard to tune into others. We’re so busy thinking about how we’re coming across or what we’ll say next that we don’t actually listen.

Finally, there’s the stress and anxiety that pervade modern life. When your nervous system is in fight-or-flight mode, the parts of your brain responsible for social connection literally shut down. Your body is prioritizing survival, not bonding. Given that many of us live in a state of chronic low-level stress, it’s no wonder we struggle to connect.

Practical Applications for Everyday Life

What I appreciated most about *Missing Each Other* is that it doesn’t just diagnose the problem—it offers concrete solutions. Here are some of the most actionable strategies the authors recommend:

Create Phone-Free Zones

This one seems obvious but is surprisingly hard to implement. The authors suggest designating specific times and places as phone-free: during meals, the first hour after coming home, in the bedroom. The goal is to create protected spaces where attunement can happen without digital interruption.

I’ve started putting my phone in another room during dinner, and the difference is remarkable. Conversations go deeper. I notice things about my partner I would have missed. The temptation to check notifications doesn’t disappear, but removing the phone physically removes the option to give in.

Practice “Listening to Understand” Not “Listening to Respond”

Most of us, if we’re honest, spend conversations waiting for our turn to talk. We’re formulating our response while the other person is still speaking. The authors encourage a different approach: listen with the sole goal of understanding the other person’s perspective and emotional state.

This means resisting the urge to immediately offer advice, share a similar story, or defend yourself. It means asking clarifying questions. It means sitting with silence instead of rushing to fill it. It’s harder than it sounds, but it’s transformative.

Schedule “Attunement Time”

Just as you schedule work meetings and doctor’s appointments, the authors suggest scheduling dedicated time for connection. This might look like a weekly date night with your partner, a monthly coffee with a close friend, or even a daily 15-minute check-in with your child.

The key is to approach this time with intention. Turn off distractions. Cultivate relaxed awareness. Be fully present. Quality matters far more than quantity.

Notice and Name Emotions

Attunement requires emotional literacy—the ability to identify and articulate feelings. The authors recommend developing this skill both in yourself and in your interactions with others. When you notice an emotion arising, name it: “I’m feeling anxious about this presentation” or “You seem frustrated right now.”

This simple practice has multiple benefits. It increases self-awareness, helps regulate emotions, and signals to others that you’re paying attention to their internal state. It creates openings for deeper conversation.

Embrace “Good Enough” Communication

Perfectionism can be a barrier to connection. We might avoid difficult conversations because we don’t know the “right” thing to say. The authors encourage us to embrace imperfection. It’s okay to say, “I’m not sure what to say, but I’m here” or “I might be misreading this—tell me if I’m off base.”

This vulnerability actually enhances attunement. It shows you’re trying, which often matters more than getting it perfect. It also gives the other person permission to be imperfect too, creating a more authentic exchange.

The Remaining Pillars: A Framework for Connection

While the book excerpt I read focused primarily on relaxed awareness, the authors outline four pillars total: relaxed awareness, listening, understanding, and mutual responsiveness. Each builds on the previous one to create a comprehensive framework for connection.

Listening, the second pillar, goes beyond simply hearing words. It involves attending to tone, body language, and what’s not being said. It requires suspending judgment and resisting the urge to interrupt. True listening is active and engaged, not passive.

Understanding, the third pillar, means grasping not just the content of what someone is saying but the emotional meaning behind it. It involves perspective-taking—temporarily setting aside your own viewpoint to see the world through someone else’s eyes. This doesn’t mean you have to agree; it means you genuinely comprehend where they’re coming from.

Mutual responsiveness, the fourth pillar, is where attunement becomes truly reciprocal. Both people are sensing and responding to each other in a dynamic dance. There’s a back-and-forth quality, a sense of “we’re in this together.” This mutual attunement creates the deepest sense of connection and belonging.

Strengths of the Book

After spending time with *Missing Each Other*, several strengths stand out. First, the scientific grounding is impressive. Brodkin and Pallathra don’t just make claims—they back them up with research from neuroscience, psychology, and related fields. For readers like me who are skeptical of self-help fluff, this evidence-based approach is refreshing.

Second, the concept of attunement itself is powerful. It provides a unifying framework for understanding what makes relationships work. Whether you’re thinking about romantic partnerships, parent-child bonds, friendships, or professional relationships, attunement is the common thread.

Third, the book is deeply compassionate. The authors don’t shame readers for being distracted or disconnected. They recognize that modern life makes attunement difficult and offer practical strategies rather than just telling us to “try harder.”

Finally, the writing is accessible. Despite the scientific content, the book doesn’t feel academic or dense. The authors use clear examples and relatable scenarios to illustrate their points.

Limitations and Critiques

No book is perfect, and *Missing Each Other* has some limitations worth noting. First, while the authors acknowledge that technology isn’t inherently bad, they could do more to explore how it might facilitate connection. There are ways to use digital tools mindfully, and more guidance on this would be helpful.

Second, the book focuses heavily on individual skills and practices. While this is valuable, it doesn’t fully address systemic issues. Many of the barriers to connection—overwork, economic insecurity, lack of community spaces—require collective solutions, not just personal effort.

Third, some readers might find the emphasis on mindfulness meditation off-putting or inaccessible. While the authors present it as one tool among many, it features prominently. For people with trauma or certain mental health conditions, standard mindfulness practices can sometimes be counterproductive, and the book could acknowledge this more explicitly.

Finally, I would have appreciated more discussion of how attunement looks in different cultural contexts. The authors write primarily from a Western, individualistic perspective. Connection norms vary significantly across cultures, and exploring this diversity would strengthen the book.

How This Book Compares

For readers familiar with relationship and connection literature, *Missing Each Other* fits into a growing genre but offers some unique contributions. It shares common ground with books like Susan Pinker’s *The Village Effect*, which also explores the science of human connection, and Sherry Turkle’s *Reclaiming Conversation*, which examines how technology affects our ability to talk to each other.

Where Brodkin and Pallathra stand out is in their specific focus on attunement as a skill that can be developed. While Brené Brown’s work on vulnerability and Sue Johnson’s work on attachment both touch on similar themes, *Missing Each Other* provides a more systematic framework grounded in neuroscience.

The book also complements Daniel Goleman’s work on emotional intelligence. If Goleman provides the “what” and “why” of emotional skills, Brodkin and Pallathra offer more of the “how”—specific practices for developing these capacities in service of connection.

Questions Worth Pondering

As I’ve reflected on this book, a few questions keep coming up for me. How do we balance the need for connection with the equally valid need for solitude and independence? The authors focus on attunement as unambiguously good, but is there such a thing as too much attunement? Can we become overly focused on others’ emotions at the expense of our own needs?

Another question: How do we practice attunement in contexts where there’s a power imbalance? The examples in the book tend to focus on relationships between equals—friends, partners, colleagues. But what about parent-child relationships, boss-employee dynamics, or other situations where one person has more authority? Does attunement look different there?

Finally, I’m curious about the role of conflict. The book emphasizes harmony and synchrony, but healthy relationships also involve disagreement and working through differences. How does attunement function during conflict? Can you be attuned to someone you’re arguing with?

Finding Connection in a Disconnected World

What stays with me most from *Missing Each Other* is the sense of possibility. Yes, we live in a time when genuine connection is increasingly rare. Yes, we face unprecedented challenges from technology, pace of life, and social fragmentation. But the capacity for attunement is hardwired into us. It’s not something we need to create from scratch—it’s something we need to uncover and cultivate.

The book reminds us that connection isn’t a luxury or a nice-to-have. It’s a fundamental human need, as essential as food or sleep. When we’re disconnected, we suffer—mentally, emotionally, even physically. But when we experience genuine attunement, even briefly, we come alive.

I’m still working on implementing the practices the authors recommend. Some days I’m more successful than others. But I’ve noticed that even the attempt to be more present and attuned changes my relationships. People respond differently when they feel truly seen and heard. Conversations go deeper. Conflicts resolve more easily. There’s more warmth and less friction.

If you’ve read *Missing Each Other*, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What practices have you found most helpful for cultivating connection? Where do you struggle most with attunement? And how do you balance the need for connection with everything else demanding your attention? Let’s keep this conversation going in the comments—after all, that’s what this book is all about.