Debra Fileta – Reset: Book Review & Audio Summary

Book Info

• Book name: Reset: Powerful Habits to Own Your Thoughts, Understand Your Feelings, and Change Your Life
• Author: Debra Fileta
• Genre: Self-Help & Personal Development
• Published Year: 2018
• Publisher: Moody Publishers
• Language: English

Audio Summary

Synopsis

Reset challenges the conventional approach to personal change by addressing the root causes of our behaviors rather than just the symptoms. Debra Fileta, a licensed counselor and relationship expert, combines psychological insights with biblical wisdom to help readers understand why lasting change feels so elusive. Through practical exercises and honest self-examination, she guides readers to view themselves objectively, acknowledging the blind spots that keep them stuck. This isn’t another quick-fix self-help book—it’s a thoughtful exploration of how our thoughts shape our feelings, which ultimately drive our actions. Fileta offers a roadmap for those ready to stop spinning their wheels and start making meaningful progress toward the life they actually want to live.

Key Takeaways

• Lasting change requires addressing the thoughts and beliefs that drive our behavior, not just modifying surface-level actions
• We naturally view ourselves through distorted lenses, seeing ourselves as “better than average” while overlooking our own shortcomings
• Honest self-assessment, confession, and accountability are essential first steps toward genuine transformation
• Daily practices like mental “movie watching” of your own life can help you develop the objective perspective needed for change
• Combining biblical principles with psychological insights creates a powerful framework for sustainable personal growth

My Summary

Why Another New Year’s Resolution Isn’t Going to Cut It

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve made promises to myself about changing something in my life. Lose weight, read more, be more patient with my kids, finally organize that disaster of a garage. Sound familiar? If you’re anything like me, you’ve experienced that frustrating cycle where motivation burns bright for a few weeks before fizzling out completely, leaving you right back where you started.

That’s exactly why Debra Fileta’s Reset caught my attention. She’s not selling another magic bullet or seven-step system that promises overnight transformation. Instead, she’s asking a much more uncomfortable question: What if the reason we keep failing at change isn’t because we lack willpower, but because we’re approaching the whole thing backward?

Fileta is a licensed professional counselor with a master’s degree in counseling, and she brings both clinical expertise and a faith-based perspective to the table. She’s also the founder of the popular blog TrueLoveDates.com and hosts a podcast on relationships. What I appreciate most about her approach is that she doesn’t separate the psychological from the spiritual—she weaves them together in a way that feels natural and practical rather than preachy.

The Problem With Looking in the Mirror

Here’s the uncomfortable truth Fileta starts with: we’re terrible at seeing ourselves accurately. She introduces what psychologists call the “better than average effect,” and honestly, it’s kind of embarrassing how true this is. Study after study shows that when people are asked to rate themselves compared to their peers on virtually any positive trait—driving ability, intelligence, work ethic, you name it—the majority rate themselves as above average.

Do the math on that for a second. We can’t all be above average. That’s not how averages work. But our brains are incredibly skilled at protecting our egos, showing us a version of ourselves that’s just a little bit better, a little more justified, a little more deserving than we actually are.

Fileta connects this psychological reality to Jesus’s teaching about removing the plank from your own eye before worrying about the speck in someone else’s. It’s not just good spiritual advice—it’s psychologically sound. We’re quick to spot other people’s issues while remaining blind to our own. I see this in my own life constantly. I’ll get frustrated with my wife for being on her phone too much, conveniently forgetting that I spent an hour scrolling through sports news that same morning.

The book argues that real change begins with what Fileta calls “owning your junk”—taking an honest, unflinching inventory of who you actually are, not who you think you are or wish you were. This isn’t about beating yourself up or wallowing in self-criticism. It’s about developing the kind of clear-eyed self-awareness that makes genuine progress possible.

Why Behavior Change Alone Doesn’t Stick

One of the most valuable insights in Reset is Fileta’s explanation of why so many self-improvement attempts fail. We focus almost exclusively on changing our behavior—eat less, exercise more, stop yelling at the kids, be more productive. But behavior is just the tip of the iceberg.

Underneath every behavior is a feeling, and underneath every feeling is a thought or belief. If you only address the behavior without understanding the thoughts and feelings that drive it, you’re essentially trying to treat symptoms while ignoring the disease. You might see temporary improvement, but the underlying issue remains, ready to resurface the moment your willpower weakens.

Fileta uses the example of emotional eating. You can white-knuckle your way through a diet, forcing yourself to avoid comfort foods. But if you never address why you turn to food when you’re stressed, lonely, or bored—if you don’t examine the thoughts that trigger those feelings—you’ll eventually return to the same patterns. The behavior is just the visible part of a much deeper issue.

This framework resonated with me because I’ve lived it. Years ago, I struggled with staying focused on writing projects. I’d start strong but then find myself procrastinating, checking email constantly, getting distracted by anything and everything. I tried all kinds of productivity hacks—website blockers, the Pomodoro Technique, elaborate scheduling systems. Some helped temporarily, but nothing stuck.

It wasn’t until I dug deeper that I realized the real issue: I was afraid of writing something bad, of being judged, of not measuring up. That fear created anxiety, which made sitting down to write uncomfortable, which led to procrastination as a way to avoid that discomfort. Once I identified and addressed those underlying thoughts and fears, the behavioral changes became much more sustainable.

The Practice of Seeing Yourself From the Outside

So how do you actually develop this kind of self-awareness? Fileta offers several practical exercises throughout the book, but one that stuck with me is what I think of as the “mental movie” technique. It’s simple but surprisingly powerful.

Here’s how it works: Set aside about ten minutes each day. Find a quiet spot where you won’t be interrupted. Now imagine you’re watching a movie of your own life, but you’re viewing it as an outside observer, not as the main character. Run through a typical day in your mind, paying attention to your routines, your interactions, your responses to different situations.

How do you start your morning? What’s your body language like during conversations? What do you do when you’re stressed or upset? How do you spend your free time? What patterns emerge when you watch yourself this way?

The key is to observe without immediately defending or justifying. That’s the hard part. Our natural instinct is to explain away anything unflattering. “Sure, I was short with my coworker, but she was being unreasonable.” “Yes, I spent three hours watching TV, but I deserved it after a hard day.” The explanations might even be valid, but they prevent us from seeing clearly.

After observing for about eight minutes, spend the final two minutes identifying one specific thing you want to change. Write it down. Say it out loud. This is your confession, your acknowledgment, your starting point. Not five things. Not a complete life overhaul. Just one thing.

I’ve been practicing this exercise for a few weeks now, and I’ll be honest—it’s uncomfortable. I’ve noticed patterns I don’t love. I interrupt people more than I realized. I’m quicker to criticize than to encourage. I waste time in ways I’d been blind to. But that discomfort is actually progress. You can’t change what you won’t acknowledge.

The Spiritual Dimension of Self-Awareness

What sets Reset apart from purely secular self-help books is Fileta’s integration of biblical principles. She draws on passages like James 5:16, which encourages believers to “confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” This isn’t just spiritual advice—it’s psychologically sound.

There’s tremendous power in bringing our struggles into the light, in being honest with trusted others about where we’re falling short. Shame thrives in secrecy. When we hide our failures and struggles, they tend to grow. But when we speak them aloud to safe people, we often find that they lose some of their power over us.

Fileta points to programs like Alcoholics Anonymous as examples of this principle in action. The famous first step—admitting you’re powerless over your addiction and that your life has become unmanageable—is essentially a public confession of weakness. And paradoxically, that confession of powerlessness is what opens the door to regaining power over your life.

This resonates with the Christian understanding of grace. We don’t change by pretending we’re fine or by trying harder through sheer willpower. We change by acknowledging our need, by confessing our brokenness, and by accepting help—both divine and human.

I appreciate that Fileta doesn’t present faith as a magic solution that bypasses the hard work of change. Prayer doesn’t replace therapy or practical strategies. Instead, she shows how spiritual practices and psychological insights can work together, each reinforcing the other. This integrated approach feels more honest and more helpful than books that treat spiritual and emotional health as completely separate domains.

Practical Applications for Daily Life

Beyond the mental movie exercise, Fileta offers numerous practical applications throughout the book. Here are a few that have made a difference in my own life:

Thought Journaling

When you notice a strong emotion—anger, anxiety, sadness, frustration—pause and trace it backward. What thought triggered that feeling? Write it down. Then ask yourself: Is that thought actually true? Is it helpful? Is there another way to think about this situation? This practice, rooted in cognitive behavioral therapy, helps you become aware of automatic thought patterns that might be distorting your perception and driving unhelpful behaviors.

The Accountability Partner

Find one person you trust who’s also interested in personal growth. Meet regularly—weekly if possible—to check in on the specific changes you’re each working on. The key is to give this person permission to ask hard questions and to call you out lovingly when you’re making excuses. This isn’t about judgment; it’s about having someone who cares enough to help you see your blind spots.

The Evening Review

Before bed, spend five minutes reviewing your day. Where did you show up as your best self? Where did you fall short? What triggered your worst moments? What would you do differently tomorrow? This practice, similar to the Ignatian Examen in Christian spirituality, builds self-awareness over time and helps you course-correct quickly rather than letting patterns solidify.

Creating Friction for Bad Habits

While Fileta emphasizes addressing underlying thoughts and feelings, she doesn’t ignore the practical side of behavior change. One strategy she discusses is making unhelpful behaviors harder to do. If you spend too much time on social media, delete the apps from your phone. If you eat junk food mindlessly, don’t keep it in the house. These environmental changes won’t solve the root issue, but they buy you time to pause and make a conscious choice rather than acting on autopilot.

Celebrating Small Wins

We tend to focus on how far we still have to go, which can be discouraging. Fileta encourages readers to intentionally notice and celebrate progress, even small steps. Changed your thought pattern in one situation? That’s worth acknowledging. Chose a healthy response when you’d normally react poorly? Celebrate it. This isn’t about lowering standards; it’s about reinforcing positive change and maintaining motivation for the long haul.

Where the Book Excels

Reset shines in several areas. First, Fileta’s writing is accessible and relatable. She shares stories from her counseling practice (with identifying details changed, of course) that illustrate concepts in concrete ways. You’re not wading through academic jargon or abstract theories. The book feels like a conversation with a knowledgeable friend who happens to be a counselor.

Second, the integration of faith and psychology is genuinely well done. I’ve read Christian self-help books that basically slap Bible verses onto secular psychology, and I’ve read others that ignore psychological research in favor of “just pray more.” Fileta finds a middle way that respects both domains. If you’re a Christian reader, you’ll appreciate the biblical grounding. If you’re not, the psychological principles stand on their own.

Third, the book is practical without being simplistic. Fileta doesn’t pretend that change is easy or that following a few steps will magically transform your life. She acknowledges that real change is hard work that happens over time. But she also provides concrete tools and exercises rather than just inspirational platitudes.

Some Limitations to Consider

No book is perfect, and Reset has a few limitations worth noting. First, while Fileta emphasizes the importance of addressing underlying thoughts and feelings, the book doesn’t go super deep into specific therapeutic techniques. If you’re dealing with significant trauma, clinical depression, or other serious mental health issues, this book is a good starting point but not a substitute for professional help. Fileta herself would likely agree with this—she’s a counselor who clearly values therapy.

Second, some readers might find the Christian perspective limiting. While Fileta doesn’t beat you over the head with theology, the book is definitely written from a Christian worldview. If that’s not your background, you might need to translate some concepts or skip past certain sections. That said, most of the psychological principles are universal.

Third, the book covers a lot of ground, which is both a strength and a weakness. Fileta touches on relationships, emotional health, thought patterns, habits, and more. The breadth means there’s something for everyone, but it also means that no single topic gets exhaustive treatment. Depending on your specific needs, you might want to supplement this book with more focused resources.

How Reset Compares to Similar Books

In the crowded field of self-help and personal development, Reset occupies an interesting niche. It shares some DNA with books like Atomic Habits by James Clear, which also emphasizes the importance of systems and small changes over time. But where Clear focuses primarily on the mechanics of habit formation, Fileta goes deeper into the emotional and cognitive roots of behavior.

For readers familiar with cognitive behavioral therapy, Reset will feel like a faith-based introduction to CBT principles. It’s less technical than something like Feeling Good by David Burns, but more practical than purely inspirational books. If you’ve read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown, you’ll recognize similar themes around shame, vulnerability, and wholehearted living, but with more explicit Christian framing.

What makes Reset unique is its particular combination of psychological insight, biblical wisdom, and practical application, all delivered in an accessible, conversational style. It’s not trying to be a comprehensive therapy manual or a deep theological treatise. It’s a guidebook for ordinary people who want to understand themselves better and make lasting changes.

Questions Worth Pondering

As I finished Reset, a few questions kept rolling around in my mind. What if we applied the same grace to ourselves that we’re encouraged to extend to others? So often, we’re far harsher critics of ourselves than we’d ever be with a friend. Could self-compassion actually accelerate growth rather than hinder it?

Another question: How do we balance honest self-assessment with the paralysis that can come from over-analyzing everything? There’s a sweet spot between defensive blindness and obsessive self-criticism, but finding it isn’t always easy. Where’s that line for you?

Finally, I keep thinking about the communal aspect of change. Fileta emphasizes that we’re not meant to do this alone, that confession and accountability require trusted others. But in our increasingly isolated culture, where do we find those people? How do we build relationships deep enough for that kind of vulnerability?

Moving Forward Together

Look, I’m not going to pretend that reading Reset has solved all my problems or that I’ve suddenly become the best version of myself. Personal growth doesn’t work that way. But what this book has given me is a framework for understanding why change is hard and a practical path forward that addresses root causes rather than just symptoms.

The daily practice of observing my own life from the outside has been eye-opening, sometimes painfully so. I’m seeing patterns I’d been blind to, recognizing thoughts that have been quietly shaping my behavior for years. And slowly—very slowly—I’m making adjustments.

If you’re tired of the same old New Year’s resolution cycle, if you’re ready to dig deeper than surface-level behavior modification, Reset is worth your time. It’s not a quick fix, but it is a solid starting point for anyone serious about lasting change.

I’d love to hear your thoughts if you’ve read the book or if you decide to pick it up. What patterns have you noticed in your own attempts at change? What’s one area where you keep getting stuck? Drop a comment below and let’s learn from each other. After all, as Fileta reminds us throughout the book, we’re not meant to do this alone.