Deborah Gruenfeld – Acting with Power: Book Review & Audio Summary

Book Info

• Book name: Acting with Power: Why We Are More Powerful Than We Believe
• Author: Deborah Gruenfeld
• Genre: Self-Help & Personal Development, Social Sciences & Humanities (Psychology)
• Published Year: 2020
• Publisher: Currency (Penguin Random House)
• Language: English

Audio Summary

Synopsis

Deborah Gruenfeld, a Stanford professor and leadership expert, challenges our traditional understanding of power in this groundbreaking book. Rather than viewing power as something reserved for the wealthy or titled elite, Gruenfeld reveals that power exists in every relationship where people depend on each other. Drawing parallels between acting techniques and real-world interactions, she shows how we can strategically “play power up” or “play power down” depending on the situation. Through compelling examples and research-backed insights, Gruenfeld demonstrates that everyone possesses power and provides practical guidance on using it ethically to help others and achieve common goals rather than serving selfish interests.

Key Takeaways

• Power isn’t about status or wealth—it’s about the control you have in relationships where people depend on each other
• “Playing power up” (asserting dominance) is most effective when used to protect others’ interests, not to intimidate
• “Playing power down” (being humble and approachable) can be equally powerful in building trust and collaboration
• Everyone has power in some capacity, and the key is learning when and how to use it ethically
• Like actors embodying different roles, we can learn to adjust our power performance based on what the situation requires

My Summary

Rethinking What Power Really Means

I’ll be honest—when I picked up Acting with Power, I expected another dry leadership manual filled with corporate jargon and tired advice about “commanding the room.” What I got instead was something far more interesting and, frankly, more useful. Deborah Gruenfeld, who teaches organizational behavior at Stanford’s Graduate School of Business, takes a completely fresh approach to understanding power by comparing it to acting.

The book’s central premise hit me right away: power isn’t some mystical quality that only CEOs and politicians possess. It’s not about your job title, your bank account, or how many people report to you. Instead, power is fundamentally relational. It exists in the space between people who depend on each other in some way.

Gruenfeld uses a brilliant example to illustrate this. Picture someone sitting in their car in a crowded parking lot, about to leave. On their own, they’re not particularly powerful. But the moment another driver pulls up, desperately waiting for that spot, the first person suddenly has power. They can take their sweet time, check their phone, adjust their mirrors—all while the other driver waits impatiently. This simple scenario shows that power isn’t a permanent trait; it’s contextual and constantly shifting.

This reframing was genuinely eye-opening for me. I started thinking about all the small moments in my day where I actually have more power than I realize—and where others have power over me. The barista who decides whether to remake my incorrectly made coffee has power. The IT person who can prioritize my tech issue has power. My kids, who can choose to cooperate or make my morning chaotic, definitely have power.

The Parent-Child Power Dynamic

One of the examples that really stuck with me involves parent-child relationships. Obviously, parents have considerable power—they make decisions, set rules, and control resources. But Gruenfeld points out something we often overlook: children have power too. If a parent wants love, respect, and cooperation from their child (and what parent doesn’t?), then the child’s ability to give or withhold these things represents real power.

This isn’t just theoretical. Any parent who’s dealt with a defiant toddler or a sullen teenager knows exactly what this feels like. You might technically be “in charge,” but you can’t force genuine affection or respect. This mutual dependence creates a power dynamic that’s more nuanced than simple top-down authority.

The same principle applies in the workplace. Yes, your boss has power through their ability to assign projects, approve vacation time, and influence your salary. But if you’re a high-performer with in-demand skills, you have power too—the power to negotiate, to set boundaries, or even to leave for a better opportunity. Recognizing this mutual dependence changes how we think about workplace relationships.

Playing Power Up: When to Take Charge

Here’s where Gruenfeld’s acting metaphor really comes into play. She introduces the concept of “playing power up”—essentially, asserting your authority and taking control of a situation. In an improv class, this might mean raising your voice, interrupting other characters, or swaggering across the stage. In real life, it looks like pulling rank, saying no, making tough calls, or even interrupting someone who’s dominating the conversation.

Now, this can obviously go wrong. We’ve all encountered people who play power up purely to intimidate others or stroke their own ego. Gruenfeld shares the example of Henry Ford silencing questioning employees by saying, “My name is on the building.” That’s playing power up, but it’s not particularly inspiring leadership.

The key distinction Gruenfeld makes is this: playing power up is most effective and ethical when it’s done to protect others’ interests, not just your own. Think about a meeting where one person is monopolizing the conversation. A leader who interrupts that person to make space for quieter voices is playing power up—but in service of the group. Or consider a project manager who firmly says no to scope creep that would burn out the team and blow the budget. That’s assertive, but it’s also protective.

I’ve seen this play out in my own work. Early in my blogging career, I struggled to push back on unreasonable requests from potential collaborators. I wanted to be agreeable and didn’t want to seem difficult. But as I gained more experience, I realized that saying no to projects that didn’t align with my values or would overextend me wasn’t selfish—it was necessary. It protected my ability to do quality work for my readers and maintain my own wellbeing.

Research backs this up too. Studies show that power holders who assert themselves in service of others are viewed as both competent and caring. It’s not the assertion itself that’s the problem; it’s the motivation behind it. Are you playing power up to show off, or are you doing it because someone needs to make a difficult decision for the good of the group?

The Overlooked Art of Playing Power Down

While the summary I received cuts off before fully exploring this concept, Gruenfeld also discusses “playing power down”—deliberately downplaying your authority to appear more approachable and humble. This is the flip side of playing power up, and it’s just as important to master.

Playing power down might look like a CEO who sits in the regular office chairs during meetings instead of at the head of the table, or a doctor who asks patients about their concerns before launching into medical advice. It’s about creating psychological safety and making others feel comfortable enough to contribute their ideas or be honest about problems.

In our current era, where authenticity and emotional intelligence are increasingly valued, knowing when to play power down is crucial. Younger employees, in particular, often respond better to leaders who can be vulnerable and admit mistakes rather than those who maintain a constant facade of infallibility.

The trick is knowing when each approach is appropriate. Some situations call for decisive, assertive leadership (playing power up). Others require creating space for collaboration and input (playing power down). The most effective leaders—like the most skilled actors—can move fluidly between these different performances based on what the moment requires.

Power in Everyday Life

One of the things I appreciate most about Gruenfeld’s approach is how applicable it is to everyday situations, not just boardroom dynamics. Let me share a few specific ways I’ve started thinking about power differently since reading this book:

In family dynamics: Instead of viewing family relationships as fixed hierarchies, I’m more aware of the shifting power dynamics. When my teenager wants to borrow the car, I have power. When I want them to help with yard work without complaining, they have power. Recognizing this has made me more thoughtful about negotiation and mutual respect rather than just pulling rank.

In service interactions: Whether it’s dealing with customer service, working with contractors, or interacting with servers at restaurants, I’m more conscious that these are relationships with power dynamics on both sides. The contractor has power through their expertise and their ability to prioritize my project. I have power through my ability to pay, review their work, and provide referrals. Approaching these interactions with mutual respect rather than entitlement makes everything go more smoothly.

In creative collaboration: As someone who occasionally works with other writers and creators, I’ve become more intentional about when to play power up (making executive decisions to keep projects moving) and when to play power down (creating space for others’ creative input). Early on, I tended to be too deferential, which sometimes led to projects losing direction. Now I’m more comfortable stepping up when needed while still valuing collaboration.

In social situations: Even in friendships, power dynamics exist. Who decides where the group goes for dinner? Whose problems get airtime in conversations? Who feels comfortable saying no to plans? Being aware of these dynamics has made me a more thoughtful friend—sometimes speaking up more, sometimes stepping back to let others lead.

In advocacy: When I need to advocate for myself or others—whether it’s pushing back on a medical diagnosis, negotiating a contract, or standing up for fair treatment—understanding power dynamics helps me be more strategic. Sometimes the situation calls for firmly playing power up. Other times, playing power down and appealing to the other person’s expertise or goodwill is more effective.

The Ethics of Power

What really sets this book apart from typical leadership advice is Gruenfeld’s consistent emphasis on the ethical use of power. She’s clear that power exists to help people work together for mutual benefit and solve shared problems. It’s not primarily a tool for personal advancement or domination.

This perspective aligns with current research on servant leadership and stakeholder capitalism, which emphasize that those with power have responsibilities to use it for broader benefit. It’s also refreshingly different from the “power at all costs” mentality that pervades some business literature.

Gruenfeld suggests that whenever we’re tempted to assert our power, we should ask ourselves: Is this in the best interest of those around me, or is it just for show? That simple question can be remarkably clarifying. Sometimes the answer is genuinely that playing power up serves the group—someone needs to make a tough call, set a boundary, or interrupt an unproductive pattern. But other times, we might realize we’re just trying to prove something or protect our ego.

In our current moment, where issues of power, privilege, and equity are front and center in public discourse, this ethical framework feels particularly relevant. It’s not enough to simply have power or to wield it effectively; we need to think critically about whether we’re using it to help or to harm, to include or to exclude, to lift others up or to keep them down.

What Works Well in This Book

Gruenfeld’s acting metaphor is genuinely brilliant and surprisingly versatile. It provides a framework for thinking about power that’s both sophisticated and accessible. The idea that we’re all performing different roles in different contexts—and that we can learn to perform them more skillfully—is empowering without being manipulative.

I also appreciate that the book is grounded in actual research. Gruenfeld isn’t just sharing her opinions; she’s drawing on her extensive academic work studying power dynamics in organizations. At the same time, she writes in a way that’s engaging and practical rather than overly academic.

The examples throughout the book are well-chosen and relatable. From parking lot dynamics to parent-child relationships to workplace scenarios, Gruenfeld illustrates her points with situations we can all recognize. This makes the concepts stick and makes it easier to spot these dynamics in our own lives.

Where the Book Could Go Further

While I found Acting with Power valuable, it’s not without limitations. One area where I would have liked more depth is in addressing systemic power imbalances. The book focuses primarily on interpersonal power dynamics, which is useful, but it doesn’t fully grapple with how larger systems of power (based on race, gender, class, etc.) shape individual interactions.

For example, a woman of color in a corporate setting might understand the concepts of playing power up and down, but she’s navigating these dynamics within systems that may not grant her the same latitude that they grant to white men. The book would be stronger if it more directly addressed these complications.

Additionally, while Gruenfeld emphasizes ethical power use, the book could benefit from more discussion of what to do when you’re dealing with people who use power unethically. How do you respond to a boss who plays power up purely to intimidate? What strategies work when someone with power over you isn’t interested in mutual benefit? These situations are common, and readers could use more guidance here.

Comparing Approaches to Power

It’s interesting to compare Gruenfeld’s approach to other books on power and influence. Robert Greene’s The 48 Laws of Power, for instance, takes a much more Machiavellian view, treating power as a game to be won through strategic manipulation. Jeffrey Pfeffer’s Power: Why Some People Have It and Others Don’t is more pragmatic and research-based but still focuses heavily on acquiring and maintaining power for personal advancement.

Gruenfeld’s approach feels more humanistic and relational. She’s less interested in how to grab power and more interested in how to use the power we already have more skillfully and ethically. This makes her book more aligned with contemporary leadership thinking from authors like Brené Brown or Simon Sinek, who emphasize vulnerability, purpose, and service.

For readers interested in influence and persuasion, Robert Cialdini’s Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion pairs well with this book. While Cialdini focuses on specific persuasion techniques, Gruenfeld provides the broader framework for understanding when and why to use them.

Questions Worth Pondering

As I’ve been reflecting on this book, a few questions keep coming up for me. When have I failed to recognize my own power in a situation, and how did that failure hold me back? Conversely, when have I overestimated my power and come across as arrogant or tone-deaf?

I’m also curious about how these dynamics play out in digital spaces. Social media has created new forms of power—the power of platform, of audience, of virality. How do concepts like playing power up and down translate to online interactions? Is a viral tweet playing power up? Is a thoughtful, humble response to criticism playing power down?

These aren’t questions Gruenfeld directly addresses, but her framework gives us tools to think them through. And that’s one of the marks of a good book—it doesn’t just provide answers but gives you new ways of asking questions.

Why This Book Matters Now

We’re living through a moment of significant power shifts. Traditional hierarchies are being questioned in workplaces, families, and society at large. Remote work has changed power dynamics between employers and employees. Social movements have challenged power structures based on race, gender, and other identities. Younger generations are approaching power differently than their parents did.

In this context, Gruenfeld’s book feels timely. It offers a framework for navigating power that’s neither rigidly hierarchical nor naively egalitarian. It acknowledges that power exists and always will, while insisting that we can use it more thoughtfully and ethically.

For anyone feeling powerless in their current circumstances, this book offers a valuable reframing. You likely have more power than you think—you just need to recognize it and learn to use it strategically. For anyone who does hold formal power, the book provides important reminders about responsibility and the importance of playing power up only when it serves others.

Final Thoughts from a Fellow Reader

If you’re looking for a book that will fundamentally change how you see everyday interactions, Acting with Power delivers. It’s not a quick fix or a collection of power poses and confidence tricks. It’s a more sophisticated understanding of how power actually works in human relationships.

I found myself thinking about this book long after I finished it, noticing power dynamics I’d previously overlooked and making more intentional choices about when to step up and when to step back. That’s the kind of lasting impact that separates truly valuable books from forgettable ones.

Whether you’re in a formal leadership position or just trying to navigate the complex power dynamics of everyday life, Gruenfeld’s insights are worth your time. And I’d love to hear your thoughts—have you noticed how power dynamics shift in your own relationships? When do you find it hardest to play power up or down? Drop a comment below and let’s keep this conversation going.