David Schnarch – Resurrecting Sex: Book Review & Audio Summary

Book Info

• Book name: Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems & Revolutionizing Your Relationship
• Author: David Schnarch
• Genre: Self-Help & Personal Development
• Pages: 272
• Published Year: 1997
• Publisher: William Morrow Paperbacks
• Language: English

Audio Summary

Synopsis

In Resurrecting Sex, clinical psychologist and sex therapist David Schnarch offers a revolutionary approach to solving sexual problems that plague even the healthiest relationships. Moving beyond traditional sex therapy that focuses solely on physical sensation, Schnarch introduces his groundbreaking “quantum model” that addresses the emotional and intimacy components of sexual dysfunction. With half of all Americans reporting sexual desire issues, this book provides hope that confronting these problems can become a catalyst for unprecedented growth and the most intense sexual experiences of your life. Through real-life case studies and practical guidance, Schnarch demonstrates how vulnerability, emotional connection, and willingness to disrupt comfortable relationship patterns are essential to resurrecting a fulfilling sex life.

Key Takeaways

• Sexual problems in relationships are normal, not a sign of defectiveness, and can become catalysts for profound personal and relational growth when addressed properly
• The quantum model focuses on intimacy and emotional connection rather than just physical sensation, recognizing that sex isn’t merely about technique but about meaningful partnership
• Disrupting the “comfort-safety cycle” and tolerating short-term anxiety is necessary to achieve long-term sexual and relational fulfillment
• Total stimulation involves three components: receiving sensory stimulation, your body’s ability to respond, and your subjective emotions about what you’re feeling
• Developing a reflected sense of self that doesn’t depend entirely on your partner’s validation is crucial for sustainable sexual and emotional intimacy

My Summary

Why Sexual Problems Aren’t What You Think They Are

I’ll be honest—when I first picked up Resurrecting Sex, I expected another clinical manual filled with techniques and positions. What I found instead was something far more profound and, frankly, uncomfortable in the best possible way. David Schnarch doesn’t sugarcoat the reality: if you’re experiencing sexual difficulties in your relationship, you’re part of a massive club. Half of all Americans report sexual desire issues, and that’s not because we’re all broken. It’s because we’re human.

What struck me most about Schnarch’s approach is his refusal to treat sexual dysfunction as a purely mechanical problem. Sure, there can be medical causes, but even when those are addressed, many couples still struggle. That’s because sex, as Schnarch emphasizes repeatedly, isn’t just about sex. It’s about who we are, how we connect, and what we’re willing to risk in the pursuit of genuine intimacy.

The author makes a bold promise: many of his patients emerged from treatment having the most intense sex of their lives. Not just “better” sex or “adequate” sex, but transformative experiences that exceeded anything they’d previously imagined. This isn’t about lowering your expectations or settling for mediocrity. It’s about completely reimagining what’s possible when two people commit to authentic vulnerability.

The Quantum Model: A Different Way of Understanding Sexual Function

Here’s where Schnarch really diverges from conventional sex therapy. Most approaches you’ve probably heard about—think Masters and Johnson—focus heavily on sensation and individual pleasure. They might teach you techniques to enhance physical stimulation or reduce performance anxiety. And those things aren’t bad, but they’re incomplete.

Schnarch’s quantum model investigates the causes of sexual function rather than dysfunction. This shift in perspective is subtle but revolutionary. Instead of asking “What’s wrong with us?” you’re asking “What makes sex work, and how can we optimize those factors?”

The model identifies that your body has two sexual response thresholds. The first is your initial arousal threshold—the trigger point where your body begins to respond sexually. The second is your orgasm threshold. Between these two points lies your sexual experience, and what happens there depends on what Schnarch calls “total stimulation.”

Total stimulation isn’t just about touch or technique. It’s composed of three interconnected components: the sensory stimulation you’re receiving, your body’s physiological ability to respond to that stimulation, and—this is the crucial part—your subjective emotional experience of what’s happening. That third component is where most couples run into trouble, and it’s the piece that traditional sex therapy often overlooks.

Think about it this way: you could have perfect physical stimulation and a fully responsive body, but if you’re feeling anxious, disconnected, or emotionally unsafe, your total stimulation drops. If it falls below your arousal or orgasm threshold, you experience what we label as “sexual dysfunction.” But Schnarch argues this is actually a normal feature of sexual functioning, not evidence that something is fundamentally wrong with you.

The Precarious Nature of Sexual Routines

One insight from the book that really resonated with me is Schnarch’s observation about sexual routines. Many couples develop a reliable pattern—certain touches, positions, or scenarios—that consistently produces just enough total stimulation to reach orgasm. Mission accomplished, right?

Not quite. Schnarch points out that this approach is incredibly fragile. You’re essentially operating at the minimum threshold, which means any small change—stress at work, a medication adjustment, aging, or even just being in a different mood—can suddenly push your total stimulation below the threshold. Suddenly, what always worked doesn’t work anymore, and panic sets in.

The alternative Schnarch proposes is to explore your sexual potential far beyond these minimum thresholds. When you’re consistently experiencing total stimulation that greatly exceeds what’s required for arousal and orgasm, your sexual relationship becomes resilient. Minor fluctuations don’t derail everything because you have a substantial buffer.

This resonates with my own experience reading relationship literature over the years. The couples who thrive aren’t the ones who’ve found the “perfect formula” and stick to it rigidly. They’re the ones who maintain curiosity, remain open to evolution, and don’t panic when things feel different than usual.

The Evolution of Emotional Sexuality

Schnarch offers a fascinating evolutionary perspective that I haven’t encountered in other relationship books. He explains that about 500,000 years ago, with the development of the neocortex, human sexuality fundamentally changed. We began to sexually desire specific partners rather than just any available mate. Meaning, intimacy, and emotional connection became integral to the sexual experience.

This evolutionary shift explains why we can’t simply treat sexual problems as plumbing issues. Our brains are wired to infuse sexual experiences with emotional context. You can’t separate the physical from the psychological and expect to address sexual dysfunction comprehensively.

This also means that improving your sex life requires emotional work, not just physical technique. You need to address how you relate to your partner, how you manage anxiety, and how you construct your sense of self within the relationship. These aren’t peripheral concerns—they’re central to sexual functioning.

Peter and Judy: Breaking the Comfort-Safety Cycle

The case study of Peter and Judy illustrates Schnarch’s approach beautifully. To outsiders, they seemed like the perfect couple. They got along well, never fought, and appeared deeply content. But behind closed doors, they had virtually no sex life. Even at the beginning of their relationship, sex had been problematic, with Judy experiencing arousal difficulties and Peter choosing not to push the issue.

What kept them stuck? Schnarch identifies what he calls the “comfort-safety cycle.” Like many emotionally committed couples, Peter and Judy regulated their anxiety by using the relationship to feel valued, wanted, and safe. They avoided conflict, accommodated each other’s preferences, and maintained a pleasant equilibrium. Sounds healthy, right?

The problem is that this comfort-safety cycle, while stabilizing in the short term, prevents long-term growth. Both partners become dependent on each other for validation and self-worth. They need each other to confirm their identities and assure themselves they’re okay. But then they resent the control this gives their partner over their sense of self. It’s a double bind that many of us will recognize from our own relationships.

The breakthrough came when Peter finally disrupted the pattern. After months without intimacy, he attempted to initiate sex. When Judy refused, Peter didn’t retreat into his usual accommodation. Instead, he spoke the truth: “I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.” Rather than defending or withdrawing, Judy acknowledged the problem, and together they began discussing options.

This moment represents what Schnarch calls entering the “growth cycle.” It’s uncomfortable, anxiety-provoking, and destabilizing. Both partners feel insecure because the familiar dynamics are in flux. But it’s absolutely necessary for pursuing long-term relationship stability and sexual fulfillment.

The Two-Choice Dilemma and Emotional Gridlock

Schnarch introduces the concept of the “two-choice dilemma,” which occurs when we want two incompatible things simultaneously. Judy didn’t enjoy sex the way they’d been having it because she was never truly aroused, but she was also wary of anything unfamiliar or potentially uncomfortable. She wanted both safety and satisfaction, but the path to satisfaction required abandoning safety.

When both partners face competing two-choice dilemmas and neither can accommodate the other without sacrificing something essential, you reach what Schnarch calls “emotional gridlock.” This is the point at which the usual strategies—compromise, accommodation, avoidance—no longer reduce anxiety. You’re stuck.

In my years of reading and writing about relationships, I’ve come to see emotional gridlock as one of those defining moments. Some couples use it as an excuse to give up: “We’re just incompatible.” Others, like Peter and Judy in Schnarch’s example, recognize it as an invitation to grow beyond their current limitations.

The key is understanding that analyzing the state of your relationship is a necessary part of resolving sexual issues. You can’t fix the sex without examining the emotional dynamics, the anxiety regulation patterns, and the ways you’ve constructed your identities within the relationship. This requires tolerating short-term discomfort for long-term gain.

Practical Applications for Your Relationship

So how do you actually apply Schnarch’s insights to your own relationship? Based on the quantum model and the case studies presented, here are several concrete approaches:

Increase Your Total Stimulation Buffer

Rather than settling for sexual routines that barely get you over the threshold, actively explore ways to enhance all three components of total stimulation. This might mean improving physical technique, yes, but also addressing health factors that affect physiological response and, most importantly, working on the emotional connection that shapes your subjective experience.

Practice Differentiation

Schnarch emphasizes developing a “solid sense of self” that doesn’t depend entirely on your partner’s validation. This doesn’t mean becoming emotionally distant or independent to the point of disconnection. It means knowing who you are, what you value, and what you feel even when your partner disagrees or disapproves. Paradoxically, this differentiation actually enables deeper intimacy because you’re bringing your authentic self to the relationship rather than a carefully curated version designed to keep the peace.

Embrace Productive Discomfort

When sexual or relational issues arise, resist the temptation to immediately return to comfortable patterns. Peter’s willingness to voice his discontent, despite the discomfort it created, was the catalyst for change. Ask yourself: what truth am I avoiding because speaking it would disrupt our equilibrium? Sometimes that disruption is exactly what’s needed.

Shift from Dysfunction to Function

Reframe how you think about sexual problems. Instead of asking “What’s wrong with us?” or “Why can’t we get this right?” ask “What conditions allow us to experience great sex?” and “How can we create more of those conditions?” This subtle shift moves you from a deficit model to a growth model.

Address the Whole System

Recognize that sexual problems rarely exist in isolation. They’re connected to how you manage conflict, regulate anxiety, construct your identities, and relate emotionally. A comprehensive approach addresses all these dimensions rather than focusing narrowly on sexual technique.

Strengths and Limitations of Schnarch’s Approach

Having spent considerable time with this book, I can identify several significant strengths. First, Schnarch’s holistic, systems-based approach is refreshingly comprehensive. He doesn’t offer quick fixes or simple techniques, which might frustrate some readers, but this complexity reflects the reality of human sexuality and relationships.

Second, the quantum model provides a useful framework for understanding sexual function that goes beyond the mechanical. It honors the emotional and relational dimensions of sexuality in a way that feels more complete than traditional sex therapy approaches.

Third, Schnarch’s emphasis on personal growth and differentiation as pathways to better sex is empowering. He doesn’t position you as a victim of your circumstances or biology but as an active agent capable of transformation.

However, the approach also has limitations. The level of self-awareness, emotional courage, and willingness to tolerate discomfort that Schnarch requires is substantial. Not everyone is ready for this level of work, and some readers might find the book overwhelming or even discouraging if they’re hoping for easier solutions.

Additionally, while Schnarch acknowledges that medical and physical factors can contribute to sexual problems, the book focuses heavily on the psychological and relational dimensions. Readers with significant medical issues might need to supplement this approach with appropriate medical care.

Some readers on Goodreads have also noted that Schnarch’s writing style can be dense and clinical at times, which might make the material less accessible than it could be. The book requires patience and careful reading, which isn’t necessarily a flaw but is worth noting.

How This Compares to Other Relationship Books

If you’re familiar with John Gottman’s work, you’ll notice some differences in approach. Gottman focuses heavily on communication patterns, conflict resolution, and building positive interactions. His research-based approach is more prescriptive, offering specific techniques and ratios (like the famous 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions).

Schnarch’s approach is less about technique and more about transformation. He’s asking you to fundamentally reimagine how you relate to yourself and your partner, which is a bigger ask but potentially more transformative.

Esther Perel’s work on eroticism and domesticity shares some common ground with Schnarch, particularly around the tension between security and desire. Both authors recognize that the very things that make us feel safe in relationships can dampen sexual passion. However, Perel tends to focus more on maintaining separateness and mystery, while Schnarch emphasizes differentiation within deep connection.

For readers interested in attachment theory, Sue Johnson’s “Hold Me Tight” offers a complementary perspective. Johnson focuses on creating secure attachment bonds, while Schnarch emphasizes developing a solid self within the relationship. Both are valuable, and reading them together provides a more complete picture.

Questions Worth Pondering

As I finished Resurrecting Sex, several questions stayed with me, and I think they’re worth considering if you’re applying this work to your own relationship:

How much of your sense of self-worth currently depends on your partner’s validation? What would it feel like to maintain your self-regard even when your partner is disappointed or critical? This isn’t about becoming indifferent to your partner’s feelings but about developing what Schnarch calls a “solid sense of self.”

What truths have you been avoiding in your relationship because speaking them would disrupt your comfort-safety cycle? What’s the cost of that silence, and what might become possible if you risked the discomfort of honesty?

These aren’t easy questions, and I don’t think Schnarch expects us to have immediate answers. But sitting with them, allowing them to challenge our assumptions, is part of the growth process he describes.

Why This Book Still Matters Today

Resurrecting Sex was published in 1997, which might make you wonder about its relevance in 2025. But the fundamental dynamics Schnarch describes—the tension between safety and growth, the interplay of physical and emotional factors in sexuality, the ways we use relationships to regulate anxiety—these are timeless aspects of human relationships.

If anything, Schnarch’s message feels more relevant now. In an era of quick fixes, life hacks, and optimization culture, his insistence that meaningful change requires deep work, discomfort, and time is countercultural and necessary. We can’t swipe our way to better sex or hack our way to authentic intimacy. We have to do the hard, vulnerable work of showing up as our real selves and inviting our partners to do the same.

The book also speaks to our current moment’s emphasis on mental health and emotional wellness. We’re increasingly recognizing that psychological and relational health aren’t separate from physical health—they’re deeply interconnected. Schnarch was ahead of his time in integrating these dimensions within the context of sexuality.

Final Thoughts and an Invitation

Reading Resurrecting Sex isn’t comfortable. Schnarch asks difficult questions and challenges comfortable assumptions about relationships. But if you’re genuinely ready to address sexual problems rather than just manage them, and if you’re willing to see those problems as invitations to growth rather than evidence of failure, this book offers a roadmap.

What I appreciate most about Schnarch’s approach is its fundamental optimism. Yes, the work is hard. Yes, you’ll need to tolerate discomfort and confront difficult truths. But on the other side of that work lies the possibility of the most intense, fulfilling sexual and emotional connection of your life. Not despite the challenges, but because of the growth they catalyze.

I’d love to hear from those of you who’ve read Resurrecting Sex or who are working through sexual issues in your relationships. What resonated with you? What felt challenging or uncomfortable? How are you navigating the tension between comfort and growth in your own partnership? Drop your thoughts in the comments below—this is exactly the kind of honest, vulnerable conversation that Schnarch would encourage, and I think we all benefit when we’re willing to share our experiences and learn from each other.